Here recently i've been trying to re-evaluate everything and everyone in my life, including myself. What I mean is, well, you know what I mean. Working the other night made me think, why am I single? I know i'm not the best looking, but i'm not unattractive. I've got a great sense-of-humor. I have a job. I'm friendly. I'm always just the "friend" though..never the "boyfriend." The bridesmaid, never the bride. I sometimes wonder if i'll ever meet the right guy. Is he out there? I've always been told not to go looking for him, but if I don't start looking I could end up missing him completely. I'm just not confident in myself enough to just--go. Go and do it. Someone, who shall remain nameless, told me the other day..."you have low self-esteem and you chose a career where you're in front of people..." or something to that affect. I told them, I chose this career because while i'm on stage I get to be someone i'm not. Someone who isn't afraid of failure, rejection. Is that sad? A little part of me thinks so. Why can't I just be happy with myself? I've been struggling with this my whole life, as far as I can remember. Either not good enough or not what they're looking for. I have a very difficult type, I think. Not fat enough to be the fat, funny friend; and too fat to be the love interest. Just once I would love to be the lead. The star. The one that gets the guy/girl. Whatever. I don't know if i'll ever get to expierece that. I know that this might sound like a pity party and it might be but I don't ever get to talk to anyone about this. Who would I?
How is that every relationship I ever start ends just as soon as it begins? Seriously. I started something in September '10 and before mid-November it was over. No explination. Was it me and he was just afraid to say it? Did I do something wrong? I can honestly say that I suffer from a attachment/commitment issue. As soon as I get a little attention, I run with it. Guilty. I'm sorry. I'm not use to getting much. Don't get me wrong, my family is awesome, but that's not the kind of attention i'm talking about. Someone who looks foward to getting up in the morning and texting you goodmorning. Someone who wants to text/call you during the day to just see how your day is going. Someone who wishes you a goodnight or sweet dreams. Does this person exsist for me? Is he out there?
Basically. I'm not happy with myself. I know I need to change if I don't like it, but easier said than done. I need something or someone in my life that is going to give me the inspiration to change. If you're out there, hit me up! Help me out! Lol. A very SMALL, SMALL part of me believes I've found "it." The inspiration I need. I'm just not sure if i'm, again, looking too far in to it. But I don't care. I'm going to use it to change...even if he doesn't know he's helping. I'm done. Thanks for reading. :)
-Adam Andrew Rios
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